b.b.,

I miss you. I miss the real you. I’ve told you this. I am struggling with wanting to visit you, and staying away from the drama you create in my life. You hurt me. You break my heart a lot by being so selfish. By being so careless. By being in your own little bubble of life. You’re still a child inside. You’re sick. I have all these feelings and emotions to work through because of your place in my life. You will always have a place in my life. I know I can have no part in your recovery except to pray and to get recovery myself.  Your disease is still in control and it’s hard to watch you succumb to the numbness. It’s hard to watch you lie to yourself. It’s hard to watch you deny. It’s hard to watch you think you’re doing what will change things but not making a real change. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much. I don’t take you for grantid because I have a constant reminder of why I should not. Even in this pain, I am greatful to God for your life and for the small moments we might share throughout this tangled mess. Even if it’s just a hug. I now know how precious hugs can be. I will continue to pray. I’ll never lose hope for you. It might be buried a little deeper—beneath some hurt and anger—–but it’s there. I’ll never let that die inside me. Your disease cannot take that from me. Your disease cannot take my love for you away. Your disease cannot make me not forgive. Your disease cannot grow bitterness that cannot be uprooted by my faith. God can heal disease. I believe this whole heartedly. So I pray for healing. Restoration. Love. Humility in your heart. A new leaf. A new step. A new life.

sissy

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