I’ve been thinking today and praying. I have been talking to God about how i’m feeling. The deep, raw reality of where i’m at right now in this moment.
I have to be honest with Him.
I feel like I put all my trust in Him and He let me fall. I feel like I trusted He would protect me and keep me healthy, that my future was to prosper and not be harmed… and when the outcome wasn’t what I desired…I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I didn’t feel God with me. I couldn’t believe it.
I’m struggling to figure out why. What does it mean? A huge part of me is sick of living and believing just “taking it in faith” all the time. For years I’ve just believed certain things about God and my relationship with Him….and when I didn’t understand I just took it in on faith.
I’m having a hard time with faith. Why can’t I be allowed to see? Why can’t I understand? I know that I’m only human and I know nothing of what God knows–or the purity in His love for us. But, how could my precious friend, my dear Lord—-how could he watch me suffer and not come to my aid?
I feel like He didn’t rescue me. It hurts. I feel like I cried and cried and cried and wanted healing and I had to just “wait” for time to pass and for my body to accept what was going on. I don’t really KNOW for sure that God actually healed me. What if WHAT IF what if—it was just time and my body adapting? It’s hard to decide. Why would God choose to heal me at all–if he didn’t heal me when i felt like and truly believed i couldn’t go on any more. Not another day. I am sickened by the thoughts i had, the decisions i was willing to make. Why did God allow me to go to such a dark place? WHY?
Was this a “test”? If so i feel that i failed. If so, i have to realize what i’m left with now. And decide what to do with it.
I feel obscured spiritually. I feel dead most of the time. I feel like i’m just living without God in my life–though i have no desire to NOT have Him in my life. I have no desire to be without. I still WANT to believe in his love and his healing and his miracles. I have seen them in the past…..I do know they exist. But, i guess i feel betrayed.
But, that’s where I’m at. Just sorting through….just pondering. Just thinking about hope, love, loss, life…..
I want the answers to be revealed. I’m going to keep on walking right through it all.
Memoirs and Musings 
I read this a couple days and I have been thinking and praying for you. I adore the honesty and candor that you share your life with. One of the biggest blessings that I have found to be true in my walk with Christ is that we have a God big enough to handle all our emotions (even the ones we don’t necessarily want to have-doubt, hurt and anger with God) and what release can come with sharing those with God instead of feeling guilty about having them. It doesn’t erase things overnight, but to know that we don’t have to feel immense guilt over these things is refreshing.
Your story makes me think about my Mom and the struggles that she has gone through with her health, from almost dying to the fact that because of the tumor that she had for so long her health will never be the same, and will only deteriorate as she ages. It has been a rough road for my parents, my brother, and I. And, like you, I have struggled with the “why” of it all, and haven’t been shown the answer. I wish I could find something comforting to say to you, or have an answer that would make everything right. But, I don’t. Just know that you are loved by so many of us here, and even more so by your Father, even though it may not feel like it. One day, the pieces will all fit back into place again and the relationship you had will be back. Not the same, after going through something like this, but better, I believe. Deeper, in a different way.
Love you and am praying for you always!
Thank you Michael and Meagan.
It means a lot to know others can relate and be honest about it…..
I understand this, though, obviously not from being pregnant… I understand the questions.
Oh wow. This hurts, because I have had so many of the same thoughts myself. I was sick for 36 wks straight when pregnant with our daughter. Not half as sick as you, but sick enough that it through me into a deeper depression than I’ve ever gone through. Hearing you express the questions I also struggled with brings all that pain back. Feeling abandoned. Wondering where He was. Waiting to be healed. Feeling like I failed at “learning something through this” like many people told me I should. Contemplating suicide, just to escape from it all.
Like you, I still don’t have answers. I miss God. My relationship with Him feels dead. I’m almost scared to renew it, because — the trust has been shaken, in a way. I’m scared to trust again. But somehow, I’ll keep walking. Catching glimpses here and there of ways He did take care of me. Someday, I hope to be back to where me and God were at the beginning.
Lois, I’m so sorry to hear that you can relate to my pain and doubt. I am joyful though, that hopefully, through reading my blog you know you are NOT alone. I think it’s OK to be honest with God about how you’re feeling. I think it’s important to try to heal and restore that relationship. It’s the most important relationship of all. It took a lot of work, and I’m forever changed, but I am journeying to a new place with God again. Learning about Jesus more, and how much He loves me. It’s weird…and awesome…and confusing sometimes, but it’s also what i need. I would really encourage you to keep seeking Jesus–not just answers to all your questions. In my own experience, that has been what has begun the healing process. Also, I would highly recommend a book i recently finished (and am now re-reading) called Beautiful Outlaw by Jon Eldredge. It’s helped me immensely. I am hear if you need to talk or i can help in anyway. It’s not usual to come across those who can relate so easily to our struggles with HG (or severe nausea w/pregnancy), and it’s good to stay connected. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, too. I really appreciate it.