The hope that lies in you…and in me….

Below are some lyrics from a song by The Glorious Unseen. (The Hope that Lies in You)

….And through all the questioning, You’ve been the hope in me.
Despite uncertainty, You’ve been the only constant thing.
And when I’m struggling, You keep on loving me the same.
This is the hope that lies in You.

Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out. We need Your love to shine down.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)
Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)
Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out. We need the face of God now.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)

Well, what a ride this past year (and then some) has been. As soon as i had my baby in my arms i was all at once overjoyed and relieved that my pregnancy journey was finally over. I also knew the road that lay ahead of me was going to be a tough one. I was broken. Having hyperemesis gravidarum (www.helpher.org) during my pregnancy had taken me to some very dark places (see earlier posts on my pregnancy) and i knew i needed some counseling.

After my daughter arrived, I believe i was dealing with some Post Traumatic Stress. Everytime i would lay down in my bed i’d have flashbacks of being sick, and had horrible memories of sticking my legs with needles and nurses putting iv lines in my arms….it was never ending thoughts. After months of dealing with that, i wondered if switching my bedroom furniture around would bring any relief. Seemed a strange little thing to do but my husband agreed, and it really helped me. It eased my flashbacks and helped me to get a bit of sleep. I still have flashbacks anytime i feel nauseous, too full, or like i’m getting ill in any way. I absolutely hate hospitals and i’m terrified of ever having to go to an emergency room again. That’s the short story of my life after “HG” (hyperemesis).

The other major part of me that was broken though, wasn’t just my mind/body. It was my spirit/soul. God and i had gone through one hell of a ride together. It’s funny that i now say we were in it together. That’s good. Part of the issue i had was that i felt so distant from God during my illness. I felt like he left me and wasn’t healing me. (see previous pregnancy posts)
So, i took a journey. A journey through counseling. Healing. Discovering. Release.

Now, many months later I have a spark of hope inside. At times i feel it flicker and almost fade, but other times i feel it grow warmer and begin to be able to light that fire again…..so that’s what i’m praying for. For the Spirit of the living God to burn in me again. I know what it’s like and i long for it….but there’s still so many obstacles this daily life brings, right?
And now i’m a mom and also a wife and i have duties. It’s tough to make time to spend with my Father God. Breaking through some of my preconcieved notions of God and how i see Him, and talk to Him also weigh on my mind. But, like the song says—I know He’s loving me the same. No matter what my uncertainty may be or my doubt or my lack of love. I can now imagine what that’s like….because i have a child. I can see things in a new light now. Things i couldn’t really relate to before.

I love my daughter, and would continue to love her no matter how much she loved me or spent time with me. In fact, i’d just yearn for more of her, more time with her, more attention from her…..waiting for the day where we could be restored. Reconnected, and rebuild our relationship.

I think that’s how God really feels about me. It’s so crazy i can barely believe it. But, when i relate it to my love for my own child, i think i can see a piece of how God must feel. I am so blessed to be chosen by Him to be loved.

So, come down, i need your hope to come down Lord
I need your grace to pour out
I need the face of God now…….

Wanna Listen to the song? Click Here.

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