Well, believe it or not folks….i have been contemplating another pregnancy for several months now. NO, i’m not pregnant yet—so that’s not what this blog is about. What it is about however, is the journey i’m taking before i even try to concieve.
I have been doing my research. I have been thinking. I have been considering. I have been weighing the options, and commitment of being pregnant again.
It’s tough. Things i read encourage me, and then other things i read frighten me. I know the reality of a pregnancy with HG. I haven’t forgotten. But i also know, i haven’t wanted to remember all the time either. And, all this research….well, it’s getting me remembering. A lot. Do i want to do this again? The joy of holding another child in my arms, and growing my family is so hopeful….but what if i have to suffer through another year with HG to get that? Can i do it? I already know it’s worth it. You don’t have to tell me that. I have friends around me aching to be pregnant. I would be blessed to be able to conceive again, I know. But, what if in that blessing….also, lies a curse? A curse that could destroy me again?
This time on my journey I also have to consider my daughter. Her life. What could be stolen from her if I battle HG again? I don’t want her to have to see her Momma sick, or not be able to be near me…What if i can’t stand her smell so badly that I can’t even hug her? (I had barely any physical contact for months during my last pregnancy as smells were just too nauseating).
All these heavy things weigh my mind down.
I’ve been trying to prepare. I’ve been trying to gain weight. Over four months ago i dramatically changed my diet to resemble that of a Paleo/Primal type diet. I’ve been meeting with a trainer, and have started lifting weights. To my discouragement, I haven’t gained a single pound. I sometimes wonder if God is not going to allow me to gain weight, because it’s really just me trying to scramble and “control” how I would feel when I get pregnant again, and I know I really don’t have much control over HG and whether or not it chooses me, yet again. I do know that God CAN and I pray that He DOES have mercy upon me and allows me to have a pregnancy that is better then my last, and hopefully—free of HG or all NVP. (Nausea and vomiting in pregnancy)
So here I sit…writing up some things I need to ask my midwife. To prepare. Things to still consider. Will I do this? Can I handle it? Sometimes, I answer myself with a resounding YES!
Other times, like today….I am sad to say I really just don’t know.
I do NOT want fear to rule my life or decision making. I want to overcome. I want to succeed. I want to birth another beautiful baby into this world. I know I can’t do it alone. I don’t think I can even do it again with only the small circle of family who got me through last time. I was too isolated. So this blog is the beginning of me reaching out to you, my community of friends and family, to let you hear my heart and to support me…..and my family….
In closing, I’d like to share a quote I found today that really hits home for me with where I’m at today.
“We are not doubting that God will do His best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. ” C.S. Lewis
Thanks for reading!