Be careful little eyes what you see….

Well, believe it or not folks….i have been contemplating another pregnancy for several months now. NO, i’m not pregnant yet—so that’s not what this blog is about. What it is about however, is the journey i’m taking before i even try to concieve.

I have been doing my research. I have been thinking. I have been considering. I have been weighing the options, and commitment of being pregnant again.

It’s tough. Things i read encourage me, and then other things i read frighten me. I know the reality of a pregnancy with HG. I haven’t forgotten. But i also know, i haven’t wanted to remember all the time either. And, all this research….well, it’s getting me remembering. A lot. Do i want to do this again? The joy of holding another child in my arms, and growing my family is so hopeful….but what if i have to suffer through another year with HG to get that? Can i do it? I already know it’s worth it. You don’t have to tell me that. I have friends around me aching to be pregnant. I would be blessed to be able to conceive again, I know. But, what if in that blessing….also, lies a curse? A curse that could destroy me again?
This time on my journey I also have to consider my daughter. Her life. What could be stolen from
her if I battle HG again? I don’t want her to have to see her Momma sick, or not be able to be near me…What if i can’t stand her smell so badly that I can’t even hug her? (I had barely any physical contact for months during my last pregnancy as smells were just too nauseating).

All these heavy things weigh my mind down.

I’ve been trying to prepare. I’ve been trying to gain weight. Over four months ago i dramatically changed my diet to resemble that of a Paleo/Primal type diet. I’ve been meeting with a trainer, and have started lifting weights. To my discouragement, I haven’t gained a single pound. I sometimes wonder if God is not going to allow me to gain weight, because it’s really just me trying to scramble and “control” how I would feel when I get pregnant again, and I know I really don’t have much control over HG and whether or not it chooses me, yet again. I do know that God CAN and I pray that He DOES have mercy upon me and allows me to have a pregnancy that is better then my last, and hopefully—free of HG or all NVP. (Nausea and vomiting in pregnancy)

So here I sit…writing up some things I need to ask my midwife. To prepare. Things to still consider. Will I do this? Can I handle it? Sometimes, I answer myself with a resounding YES!
Other times, like today….I am sad to say I really just don’t know.

I do NOT want fear to rule my life or decision making. I want to overcome. I want to succeed. I want to birth another beautiful baby into this world. I know I can’t do it alone. I don’t think I can even do it again with only the small circle of family who got me through last time. I was too isolated. So this blog is the beginning of me reaching out to you, my community of friends and family, to let you hear my heart and to support me…..and my family….

In closing, I’d like to share a quote I found today that really hits home for me with where I’m at today.
“We are not doubting that God will do His best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. ” C.S. Lewis

Thanks for reading!

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9 thoughts on “Be careful little eyes what you see….

  1. Geneva! I just finished reading this. You write beautifully and I feel what you are saying and know/have known all of those fears too (although I do not get nearly as sick as you did). I know that if this is truly something God has placed on your heart, then He who has the power will see you through it all, regardless of whether it is hard or not! I know how a HG pregnancy can effect yourself and the whole family and I had a lot of those same fears about being able to care for my three (especially the baby) and about them feeling “neglected” for 9 months when I found out I was pregnant again, so I know what you mean. So far, I have worked through it though and the kids seem to be fine and understand that mommy is just sick right now and will get better soon. I will pray for you and your decision and ability to hand this to God. I pray that He will speak to your heart and you will know what is His will for you and your family. Maybe if you do get pregnant again your HG wouldn’t get nearly as bad as it did before and you would feel more encouraged now that you have better care (namely a doctor who will listen to you!) and are better informed from the start. I know with this pregnancy, I went on medication immediately so I didn’t have to suffer through months of weakness/constant vomitting and felt the pregnancy had a better start overall as compared to experiencing the full brunt of it for months before getting help.

    • Thanks Melissa. I really covet your prayers, and i appreciate your thoughts. The fear of the “commitment” of pregnancy is a big one. I know you can relate to that…..like, once you find out you’re pregnant you are trapped. It should be joyous—but it could be a nightmare about to begin. So sad, and scary. I appreciate your friendship, and I’m so glad you’re doing better this go-around with this pregnancy. I am praying you continue to feel better and that your HG goes in remission, ASAP! 🙂 xo

  2. I love that quote. : )
    Never doubt yourself G,.. Your a mother… that’s like basically saying your superwomen! lol
    I think mostly all women that go through the process of pregnancy suffers in some way… on different levels. For me.. I had preeclampsia with my first and passed on a hormone to both my boys during delivery that kept them both in the hospital way passed their time. That was heartbreaking to me to have to see them suffer. I would have gladly taken that burden on myself if possible. When you make up your mind to add to your family… your first child will miss out on things… it’s a give and take process. This was hard for me also. Tommy helped me understand that although this will happen,.. what your giving to your child is a sibling that they will grow up with and hopefully be linked to for the rest of their lives. It’s a beautiful thing…: ) also.. even though this isn’t a pretty thought to have… he also shared with me that if anything ever happen to us (Tom and I)… Connor wouldn’t be alone… he would have his brother there with him. That thought really tugged at my heart.
    I pray for clarity for you but above all… Gods peace upon you! I love ya G….

  3. I’m so glad that you’ve started writing again, Geneva. I love reading your thoughts.

    I don’t have much words of wisdom; like you said, you already know that it will be worth it in the end. You guys have created a wonderful family for yourselves, and whether you choose to add to it, or not, you are richly blessed.

    And, for what it’s worth, I think that you, with God and your community of support, are strong enough to get through it again, if that is God’s plan.

  4. I don’t know whether this is any encouragement but I had an HG pregnancy for five months when my daughter was three and my daughter still says she wants a baby sibling even though I’ve made it clear that I would be ill like that again.

  5. Hi, Geneva! I just wanted to make sure you knew that I had responded to your comment on my blog – didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you!! Good luck as you plan your second pregnancy! Feel free to email me: thejohnstons3 at cox dot net.

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