The hope that lies in you…and in me….

Below are some lyrics from a song by The Glorious Unseen. (The Hope that Lies in You)

….And through all the questioning, You’ve been the hope in me.
Despite uncertainty, You’ve been the only constant thing.
And when I’m struggling, You keep on loving me the same.
This is the hope that lies in You.

Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out. We need Your love to shine down.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)
Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)
Come down – we need Your hope to come down.
We need Your grace to pour out. We need the face of God now.
(Hallelujah. Hallelujah.)

Well, what a ride this past year (and then some) has been. As soon as i had my baby in my arms i was all at once overjoyed and relieved that my pregnancy journey was finally over. I also knew the road that lay ahead of me was going to be a tough one. I was broken. Having hyperemesis gravidarum (www.helpher.org) during my pregnancy had taken me to some very dark places (see earlier posts on my pregnancy) and i knew i needed some counseling.

After my daughter arrived, I believe i was dealing with some Post Traumatic Stress. Everytime i would lay down in my bed i’d have flashbacks of being sick, and had horrible memories of sticking my legs with needles and nurses putting iv lines in my arms….it was never ending thoughts. After months of dealing with that, i wondered if switching my bedroom furniture around would bring any relief. Seemed a strange little thing to do but my husband agreed, and it really helped me. It eased my flashbacks and helped me to get a bit of sleep. I still have flashbacks anytime i feel nauseous, too full, or like i’m getting ill in any way. I absolutely hate hospitals and i’m terrified of ever having to go to an emergency room again. That’s the short story of my life after “HG” (hyperemesis).

The other major part of me that was broken though, wasn’t just my mind/body. It was my spirit/soul. God and i had gone through one hell of a ride together. It’s funny that i now say we were in it together. That’s good. Part of the issue i had was that i felt so distant from God during my illness. I felt like he left me and wasn’t healing me. (see previous pregnancy posts)
So, i took a journey. A journey through counseling. Healing. Discovering. Release.

Now, many months later I have a spark of hope inside. At times i feel it flicker and almost fade, but other times i feel it grow warmer and begin to be able to light that fire again…..so that’s what i’m praying for. For the Spirit of the living God to burn in me again. I know what it’s like and i long for it….but there’s still so many obstacles this daily life brings, right?
And now i’m a mom and also a wife and i have duties. It’s tough to make time to spend with my Father God. Breaking through some of my preconcieved notions of God and how i see Him, and talk to Him also weigh on my mind. But, like the song says—I know He’s loving me the same. No matter what my uncertainty may be or my doubt or my lack of love. I can now imagine what that’s like….because i have a child. I can see things in a new light now. Things i couldn’t really relate to before.

I love my daughter, and would continue to love her no matter how much she loved me or spent time with me. In fact, i’d just yearn for more of her, more time with her, more attention from her…..waiting for the day where we could be restored. Reconnected, and rebuild our relationship.

I think that’s how God really feels about me. It’s so crazy i can barely believe it. But, when i relate it to my love for my own child, i think i can see a piece of how God must feel. I am so blessed to be chosen by Him to be loved.

So, come down, i need your hope to come down Lord
I need your grace to pour out
I need the face of God now…….

Wanna Listen to the song? Click Here.

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Me, faith, and God.

I’ve been thinking today and praying. I have been talking to God about how i’m feeling. The deep, raw reality of where i’m at right now in this moment.

I have to be honest with Him.

I feel like I put all my trust in Him and He let me fall. I feel like I trusted He would protect me and keep me healthy, that my future was to prosper and not be harmed… and when the outcome wasn’t what I desired…I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I didn’t feel God with me. I couldn’t believe it.

I’m struggling to figure out why. What does it mean? A huge part of me is sick of living and believing just “taking it in faith” all the time. For years I’ve just believed certain things about God and my relationship with Him….and when I didn’t understand I just took it in on faith.

I’m having a hard time with faith. Why can’t I be allowed to see? Why can’t I understand? I know that I’m only human and I know nothing of what God knows–or the purity in His love for us. But, how could my precious friend, my dear Lord—-how could he watch me suffer and not come to my aid?

I feel like He didn’t rescue me. It hurts. I feel like I cried and cried and cried and wanted healing and I had to just “wait” for time to pass and for my body to accept what was going on. I don’t really KNOW for sure that God actually healed me. What if WHAT IF what if—it was just time and my body adapting? It’s hard to decide. Why would God choose to heal me at all–if he didn’t heal me when i felt like and truly believed i couldn’t go on any more. Not another day. I am sickened by the thoughts i had, the decisions i was willing to make. Why did God allow me to go to such a dark place? WHY?

Was this a “test”? If so i feel that i failed. If so, i have to realize what i’m left with now. And decide what to do with it.

I feel obscured spiritually. I feel dead most of the time. I feel like i’m just living without God in my life–though i have no desire to NOT have Him in my life. I have no desire to be without. I still WANT to believe in his love and his healing and his miracles. I have seen them in the past…..I do know they exist. But, i guess i feel betrayed.

But, that’s where I’m at. Just sorting through….just pondering. Just thinking about hope, love, loss, life…..

I want the answers to be revealed. I’m going to keep on walking right through it all.

Victory in 2008.

I pray for victory in 2008.

Victory in my life. Overcoming negative emotions, habits, qualities in myself i see, and even those i don’t.

Victory in my marriage. More love, more passion, more encouragement. More courage to keep working hard at it.

Victory in my spirit. More growth, more compassion, more selflessness. More time with God. More fire for Christ in me, More dedication.

Victory in my body. To be more committed to healing. To health. To excercise. To yoga and to meditation. To anything and everything that makes me healthier and happier.

Victory in my family. For my brother to be set free from the bondage of addiction. For more restoration in my family. For more quality time with loved ones. More compassion for differences.

Victory in relationships. More honesty. More openess. More quality conversation. More encouragement, more steadfastness and more loyalty. More sacrifice.

I claim victory in Christ Jesus. I am a God child, I am a lover of the one true God and my savior. These things excite me and I pray God reveals more of Himself to me in 2008. Bring it on God…….

My Yoga Journey

So I’m on a new “leg” of my yogic journey.

I start taking my yoga teacher training in the fall (September) at Yama Studio in Baltimore. (www.yamastudio.com) As some of you know, I’ve been doing yoga for around 2 and 1/2 -3 years now. It wasn’t until this year that I’ve begun to notice a major change in my body. I feel like I’ve become more flexible, more strong, more steady. I appreciate that I put in the time and effort, the commitment it took (and still takes) to bring about these changes in myself. I am still working on myself! I am praying that God will change things in my heart, my attitude, my personality even.

I am aware that I have the tendency to be extremely negative and not very fun to be around. I can be uptight, and a complainer. I really really want to work on changing these things about me. I feel like I am ready to put in the work, and also to ask God to show me things in myself that I need to work at un-rooting. Bitterness, anger, and selfishness have rooted themselves into my life. They are deep within my heart. At times in my life I had wished they were gone, and other times I have tended to the poisonous garden and not cared. Told myself that this is who I am—and people, my husband for example, will just have to except it. This is wrong. This negative, selfish side of my being is not what i want to embrace and love. I want to change it. I want to love more freely and speak more lovingly and not just wish I could. I want to do it.

So I’m taking this journey, with God, and myself–in my yoga teacher training. I am using this time, to grow and to hopefully change some things within myself. Also, to brighten the positive things inside me—my compassion for others, my sensitive spirit, my heart to worship and love the Lord with all that I have and all that I am.

I ask from my friends, family, mentors, teachers, that they be patient with me as I learn more about myself and try to be more like the person that I feel Christ calls me to be.

Namaste.

Lovely

A dear friend of mine sent me this last week and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I had to share it on my blog-with the hope that it will encourage someone else that needs to hear it. It meant a lot to me~and it is something i want to continue to look at once in awhile and remember. I’m so grateful for God’s love. Even when I’ve been independent-minded and can’t feel His presence or when I’ve turned my back to live for myself for awhile and haven’t been thinking of Him–He’s there. Loving me and waiting for me to remember Him and love him with all my heart.

“no matter if you’re up or down and how your heart is feeling, always know that I am with you. I am the One who picked you to be where you are and created you to be who you are. I am blessed to see you wake in the morning and do your duties for the day and when you go to sleep again at night I am always with you. You are a blessing to your friends and a wonderful gift to your husband. I am glorified because of who you are and how much you love me. Bless your heart dear child. I will never forget you or leave you unnoticed. You are the one I love.”

Time doesn’t heal….

Last night i was out with my husband eating sushi. At the table next to us was a young woman and she started talking to one of the sushi chefs about how her husband had just died from cancer. She couldn’t have been more then 30 years old. She was talking about how she was sad, but she was young~and time heals. Time heals. Time heals.

I just listened and thought……and today, while i was listening to a song by Third Day, God spoke to my heart. The lyrics that brought me a moment of clarity, i would call it, went like this: “When you think your life is shattered and there’s no way to be fixed again, love heals your heart.”

I just thought on that. I haven’t felt “time” heal anything in my life. Time has never healed my hurts. Christ Jesus, the Lord–the God of all the universe—the one who created me, knows me better then anyone, HE is the one who has the power to heal my hurts. He’s the only one. Time is just time. He created time-and he has power over it.

I know that “time heals” in a way is just a saying…and i know i’ve probably used it in my life’s situations before; but I don’t want to anymore because it’s just empty words. It has no true meaning. It can’t save you from your pain. But, i know that God can. I have experienced it. I know He is real and He is in my life and He cares. I love that He is beside me when i cry~his heart breaking for me. He is real.  He uses the things that hurt us in our lives to help others, to relate to them, encourage them…be there for them. I believe he uses things that hurt us to one day bring him the glory. And he heals our hearts.

Forgiveness.

We need to forgive to heal. Even if we “fake it till we make it” and SAY we forgive until we really feel it throughout our bodies and minds….i believe it’s so important to forgive.

I have a hard time understanding people who choose NOT to forgive. They think it will be what’s best for them, but time always proves them wrong. Their heart and soul is eaten alive by the choice to not forgive and never look back. I think they come to a point where they wish they could change their mind and forgive—but their pride has become so strong through the process, that they feel it is too late to change and forgive.

It’s never too late.

It’s never to late to forgive. I know i still have things in my life i need to bring up and remember, so that i can forgive. Yet, trying to “forgive and forget” also doesn’t work. Not for me. I can’t seem to just “forget” things that have happened in my life, things i have forgiven. They are a part of me now, an experience i’ve lived through, a wound that healed, a heart restored. I can’t forget. But, i try to make the choice to view the situation, and/or the person differently. I think that is what God has called us to do. Be a person of forgiveness, and grace. I want to be more of that kind of person. Although…I don’t welcome the opportunities to test myself in that area!

I just wish there was an easier way for some people to learn to forgive. I wish i could open their eyes to the reality of what a poor choice they make when they choose to be bitter and angry, instead of to forgive. They basically tell themselves they want to stay bitter, and not heal. And for some reason, i just can’t seem to imagine why that would feel better to them. I don’t know that it’s ever felt better for me.

I’m in no way saying i’m perfect at this “act of forgiving” because i’m not. I struggle with it all the time. But, i know that i want to embrace it, and live it.

The biggest reason to forgive is that we were given the greatest forgiveness of all when God sent Jesus to die for US so that we could be forgiven. I feel like if we meditate on that fact more, we would be more filled with the spirit of forgiveness and choose to forgive.