My second pregnancy. The first 12 weeks.

Well, I went through with it. I stood up to my fear. God has done a lot of healing inside of me the past 3+ years. So, it took some change and some guts but Jamey and I made the decision to try and see if it would happen. Now, I am pregnant again. I am 12 weeks today, and here is what has been going on so far…..

I started feeling nauseated pretty much right after finding out. (I was probably around 5 weeks). It wasn’t constant, it came and went mainly when i had an empty stomach. So, eating helped a lot. I was hopeful. I felt pretty good.

Around 6 1/2 weeks the major nausea began. It scared me. I had been trying to eat no carbs and little sugar (from fruit) but that quickly went out the window as my body started wanting bread. PRETZELS. Anything dry or bland. I chose to do gluten free toast and some gluten free pretzels as a temporary aid to myself. It did help. I also decided to start anti nausea medication immediately. The nausea had become so strong that it felt like i was going to go down to that dark place fast. So i started my regimen from my last pregnancy. Unisom + B6 at night, and Zofran during the day. (Anti nausea/vomiting meds).

I have been on those medications since. I am getting by, “hanging in there”. Some days are better then others. I am on the couch a lot. I am “out of touch” with the world a lot I feel like. But, hey, I am not getting stuck with IV’s at this point, and I haven’t been to the hospital. That is a big difference from the last time around. I’m praying and hoping that this sick part will pass soon. Please pray with me for this. I really want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy like I did the last few months of my first pregnancy. I want a longer time to enjoy this one!

I have bad days. Today was one. I get so tired of the fight. I get tired of feeling so sick and tired. I’m sure that’s a normal feeling. It’s tough. I am pushing through it. I allowed myself to feel it, and then I reminded myself:  I am not dying. I do not have cancer. I did not just lose a child. I am not trying to get pregnant for the thousandth time with no success. I am not in the midst of chaos, or tragedy. I am alive.

Even in the face of the issues i’m tackling that to me, are very difficult and very real—that truth is buried deep inside and I’m glad that it surfaced when I needed to be reminded. When I was pregnant with Pursey, nothing shook the darkness off. Nothing seemed to be able to.

So, for now, until the nausea/vomiting lets up—I will “Praise Him in this storm”. For all I have. For the blessing I’m carrying inside me. This won’t last forever, and I can do it. Even when some days I feel like I can’t!

Thanks for reading,

Geneva

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Me, faith, and God.

I’ve been thinking today and praying. I have been talking to God about how i’m feeling. The deep, raw reality of where i’m at right now in this moment.

I have to be honest with Him.

I feel like I put all my trust in Him and He let me fall. I feel like I trusted He would protect me and keep me healthy, that my future was to prosper and not be harmed… and when the outcome wasn’t what I desired…I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I didn’t feel God with me. I couldn’t believe it.

I’m struggling to figure out why. What does it mean? A huge part of me is sick of living and believing just “taking it in faith” all the time. For years I’ve just believed certain things about God and my relationship with Him….and when I didn’t understand I just took it in on faith.

I’m having a hard time with faith. Why can’t I be allowed to see? Why can’t I understand? I know that I’m only human and I know nothing of what God knows–or the purity in His love for us. But, how could my precious friend, my dear Lord—-how could he watch me suffer and not come to my aid?

I feel like He didn’t rescue me. It hurts. I feel like I cried and cried and cried and wanted healing and I had to just “wait” for time to pass and for my body to accept what was going on. I don’t really KNOW for sure that God actually healed me. What if WHAT IF what if—it was just time and my body adapting? It’s hard to decide. Why would God choose to heal me at all–if he didn’t heal me when i felt like and truly believed i couldn’t go on any more. Not another day. I am sickened by the thoughts i had, the decisions i was willing to make. Why did God allow me to go to such a dark place? WHY?

Was this a “test”? If so i feel that i failed. If so, i have to realize what i’m left with now. And decide what to do with it.

I feel obscured spiritually. I feel dead most of the time. I feel like i’m just living without God in my life–though i have no desire to NOT have Him in my life. I have no desire to be without. I still WANT to believe in his love and his healing and his miracles. I have seen them in the past…..I do know they exist. But, i guess i feel betrayed.

But, that’s where I’m at. Just sorting through….just pondering. Just thinking about hope, love, loss, life…..

I want the answers to be revealed. I’m going to keep on walking right through it all.

And Hello 2009….

Wow. I can’t believe I haven’t written since 2008. It means it was around the same time of year that I felt the all too familiar tug to write. Things are changing; things have changed; and for other things–change didn’t last long.

So here’s to 2009.

I’m still learning to let go. Embrace life. Release the spirit of fear. Learning to trust again. Starting to heal. Trying not to hold so tight to things I have no control over. Giving all up to God, every day.

In 2008, I….(in no specific order)

Read the Bible from front to back. Saw movies on Sundays after church with friends. Started teaching yoga to students at Ojas Wellness Center. Gained my first PRIVATE yoga student. Felt God’s love for me. Wrote letters. Visited a family member in an addictions rehabilitation facility. Made some possible life changing decisions. Held a puppy. Bought my first house with my husband. Attended my last surviving grandmother’s funeral. Reconciled with a family member who I hadn’t spoken to in years. Laughed a lot. Cried a lot. Picked up my old guitar and started playing again. Gained new friends. Said goodbye to a friend who moved away. Worshipped God with abandon. Layed in the sunshine. Took photographs. Walked with London. Had sushi with Jamey. Read MANY good books. Had intimate conversations. Did asanas and stayed in the moment. Felt hopeless. Wished my brother would turn his eyes upon Jesus. Celebrated six years of marriage with my wonderful husband. Was given many gifts. Was blessed more then I deserve. Spent quality time with strangers at Hope Lodge in Baltimore. Had moments of not taking life for grantid. Smiled and meant it. Missed loved ones lost. Listened to others share at Naranon meetings. Had my heart broken. Comforted a friend. Good girl time over tea/coffee. I’ve loved. I’ve grown. I’ve changed.

Here’s to more LIFE and FREEDOM in Christ in 2009! Amen.

Time doesn’t heal….

Last night i was out with my husband eating sushi. At the table next to us was a young woman and she started talking to one of the sushi chefs about how her husband had just died from cancer. She couldn’t have been more then 30 years old. She was talking about how she was sad, but she was young~and time heals. Time heals. Time heals.

I just listened and thought……and today, while i was listening to a song by Third Day, God spoke to my heart. The lyrics that brought me a moment of clarity, i would call it, went like this: “When you think your life is shattered and there’s no way to be fixed again, love heals your heart.”

I just thought on that. I haven’t felt “time” heal anything in my life. Time has never healed my hurts. Christ Jesus, the Lord–the God of all the universe—the one who created me, knows me better then anyone, HE is the one who has the power to heal my hurts. He’s the only one. Time is just time. He created time-and he has power over it.

I know that “time heals” in a way is just a saying…and i know i’ve probably used it in my life’s situations before; but I don’t want to anymore because it’s just empty words. It has no true meaning. It can’t save you from your pain. But, i know that God can. I have experienced it. I know He is real and He is in my life and He cares. I love that He is beside me when i cry~his heart breaking for me. He is real.  He uses the things that hurt us in our lives to help others, to relate to them, encourage them…be there for them. I believe he uses things that hurt us to one day bring him the glory. And he heals our hearts.

Needing Yoga Nidra

Dearest,

Why can’t you just calm down? Please relax. Please. I have tried to re-focus you, and breathe deeply for you. I have tried to quiet thinking mind. I have tried to sip green tea and take a walk and smell the dried up leaves and place flowers about the house. I have sat quietly, layed quietly….Nothing seems to create that space. Nothing seems to center you. There hasn’t been time for what you love. There hasn’t been time for yoga. There hasn’t been time for prayer. There hasn’t been a focus on those important things. We need to come together. We need to re-focus. It is time. Tommorow is a new day. Rest. Night has fallen and it’s time to sleep. Awaken and begin with peace.

Love,

Your body

Althought different, I’m sure we relate.

If you’re a wife….trying to love her husband to the fullest

If you love nature and it brings you closer to God

If you love yoga, and the practice of it in your life

If you want to learn about people and love them for who they are

If you have a family member or loved one who is an addict

If you have ever watched someone you love suffer and die from cancer

If you have ever lost someone you loved to suicide

If you have ever been lied to when all you wanted was the truth

If you have ever had your heart broken so badly you just wanted to stay in bed for the rest of your life

If you are learning everyday how to forgive, and how important it is

If you love your family and friends so deeply it hurts when they hurt

If you’ve ever been lost inside yourself

If you’ve ever seen things you wish weren’t a reality

If you’ve ever lost a friend

If you’ve ever gained peace

If you’ve ever experienced love like no other

If you’ve ever had hope that one day, there will be no more pain

………………..Then maybe you will relate to my blog. We can’t be that different.

Forgiveness.

We need to forgive to heal. Even if we “fake it till we make it” and SAY we forgive until we really feel it throughout our bodies and minds….i believe it’s so important to forgive.

I have a hard time understanding people who choose NOT to forgive. They think it will be what’s best for them, but time always proves them wrong. Their heart and soul is eaten alive by the choice to not forgive and never look back. I think they come to a point where they wish they could change their mind and forgive—but their pride has become so strong through the process, that they feel it is too late to change and forgive.

It’s never too late.

It’s never to late to forgive. I know i still have things in my life i need to bring up and remember, so that i can forgive. Yet, trying to “forgive and forget” also doesn’t work. Not for me. I can’t seem to just “forget” things that have happened in my life, things i have forgiven. They are a part of me now, an experience i’ve lived through, a wound that healed, a heart restored. I can’t forget. But, i try to make the choice to view the situation, and/or the person differently. I think that is what God has called us to do. Be a person of forgiveness, and grace. I want to be more of that kind of person. Although…I don’t welcome the opportunities to test myself in that area!

I just wish there was an easier way for some people to learn to forgive. I wish i could open their eyes to the reality of what a poor choice they make when they choose to be bitter and angry, instead of to forgive. They basically tell themselves they want to stay bitter, and not heal. And for some reason, i just can’t seem to imagine why that would feel better to them. I don’t know that it’s ever felt better for me.

I’m in no way saying i’m perfect at this “act of forgiving” because i’m not. I struggle with it all the time. But, i know that i want to embrace it, and live it.

The biggest reason to forgive is that we were given the greatest forgiveness of all when God sent Jesus to die for US so that we could be forgiven. I feel like if we meditate on that fact more, we would be more filled with the spirit of forgiveness and choose to forgive.