Me, faith, and God.

I’ve been thinking today and praying. I have been talking to God about how i’m feeling. The deep, raw reality of where i’m at right now in this moment.

I have to be honest with Him.

I feel like I put all my trust in Him and He let me fall. I feel like I trusted He would protect me and keep me healthy, that my future was to prosper and not be harmed… and when the outcome wasn’t what I desired…I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I didn’t feel God with me. I couldn’t believe it.

I’m struggling to figure out why. What does it mean? A huge part of me is sick of living and believing just “taking it in faith” all the time. For years I’ve just believed certain things about God and my relationship with Him….and when I didn’t understand I just took it in on faith.

I’m having a hard time with faith. Why can’t I be allowed to see? Why can’t I understand? I know that I’m only human and I know nothing of what God knows–or the purity in His love for us. But, how could my precious friend, my dear Lord—-how could he watch me suffer and not come to my aid?

I feel like He didn’t rescue me. It hurts. I feel like I cried and cried and cried and wanted healing and I had to just “wait” for time to pass and for my body to accept what was going on. I don’t really KNOW for sure that God actually healed me. What if WHAT IF what if—it was just time and my body adapting? It’s hard to decide. Why would God choose to heal me at all–if he didn’t heal me when i felt like and truly believed i couldn’t go on any more. Not another day. I am sickened by the thoughts i had, the decisions i was willing to make. Why did God allow me to go to such a dark place? WHY?

Was this a “test”? If so i feel that i failed. If so, i have to realize what i’m left with now. And decide what to do with it.

I feel obscured spiritually. I feel dead most of the time. I feel like i’m just living without God in my life–though i have no desire to NOT have Him in my life. I have no desire to be without. I still WANT to believe in his love and his healing and his miracles. I have seen them in the past…..I do know they exist. But, i guess i feel betrayed.

But, that’s where I’m at. Just sorting through….just pondering. Just thinking about hope, love, loss, life…..

I want the answers to be revealed. I’m going to keep on walking right through it all.

32 Weeks pregnant. My story.

Well, here i sit. I’m now 32 weeks pregnant. Let me tell you, it’s been a real journey and struggle. I have suffered (until about week 14 of my pregnancy) without the help i needed. I have a pregnancy condition known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It is not a very well understood condition, and there hasn’t been much research done on this illness because it only affects pregnant women (and who wants to test things on pregnant women, right?).

Unfortunatley, dealing with how sick i was took it’s toll on me mentally, emotionally and of course-physically. I lost over 10lbs, in weeks 6-14; and my mother finally got my very uncompassionate OB to finally prescribe a home-care service for me so i could be adequatly hydrated and given continuous anti-nausea medications from my own bedroom. I had made two trips to the ER, and it added up to over $1,200.00. I needed help. A service called Matria/Alere came to my home and gave me an IV drip of fluids which i had for several days, several different times as needed. I also was given a Zofran medicine pump which was a type of subcutaneous medicine that i wore 24/7 until about week 25 of my pregnancy.

Although thankful for the IV’s, and the kind nurses who called or came by the house to start my IV’s, it was a difficult process for me to have to go through. I didn’t get relief from my constant nausea–it was a total waiting game just being (im)patient that my hormones weren’t settling, or easing up on me. When the nurses came to find a vein and start my iv, i would always end up being stuck 2-4x while they struggled to find a good vein. They blew two of my veins out so bad my arm swelled up for 24 hours. It wasn’t their fault, i have difficult veins—but the process was painful, and on top of everything else sometimes all i could do was lay there and cry–just wanting it to be over. I’d sink deeper into self pity and depression, wondering–why was God allowing this to happen to me? Am i going to make it through this? Am i going to die?

I felt so alone, so much of the time. Jamey worked at home, and took care of me through my entire sickness when he could (which was a lot). My mom also came over most days to bring me magazines, fuzzy socks, and her love and support. My dad came over too, several times, to just sit with me, pray with me- or read me a devotional. But, then–i’d be alone again. Lost in the thick nausea and darkness of my bedroom.

It was a tough time, and it did something to me. I can’t say what exactly, but it took me to a very dark place, somewhere i could have never imagined i’d ever go in my life. Some of the thoughts i had, and decisions i almost made during that time shock me but i felt i had lost complete control, and many times–had no choice. I also never anticipated that i’d take any drugs while pregnant, only to be so sick that i took many different ones–sometimes all at once; and it still didn’t help. The nausea was completely debilitating. Sometimes i would salivate so heavily from the nausea i would have to keep spitting in a cup beside my bed to keep myself from vomiting, only to vomit anyway eventually. It was so disgusting. Sores covered my tounge from the stomach acid that kept having to be passed through my mouth from the puke. I couldn’t shower sometimes for a week or more, and when i did–Jamey had to help me and i sat on a bucket in the tub because i was too weak to stand. Other times, all i could do was wash with a soapy rag while lying in bed. Basically sponge bathe. I literally felt like a dying cancer patient.

Those are just some of the gory details. There are more, and some that only my husband would really understand somewhat–and still others that only another woman with HG could possibly comprehend. It’s a hard price to pay, to get to the prize—a beautiful baby.

So here i sit, at 32 weeks pregnant. I am told Jamey and I have made a little girl, and we are so excited. It feels good to be able to feel well enough to eat things again, decorate my baby’s room, do her laundry, and wear maternity clothes instead of pajamas all the time. It feels so great to take a hot shower, and enjoy the smell of soap and shampoo and of being clean. I cannot wait to have my baby, and experience the joy and reward of all my effort. But there are still fears.

The medicines i took while pregnant are not all considered “safe” for pregnancy. Not many medicines are. I pray health into my little girl as often as i think to, and pray that she is perfect in every way. I already have so much inside myself to work through, i can’t imagine if she was injured in some way by the things i had to do to stay alive while i was pregnant. It’s a fear that i can’t let myself run wild with–or i’ll go back too far into the darkness.

Now, I cling to Purslane Kate Hoff’s birthday. The day Jamey and i pray about, and practice for with all our relaxation and belly breathing. We can’t wait to see her face, and hold her in our arms.

I also awake everyday to the knowledge that, deep inside,—i feel far away from God. Before my pregnancy, i felt so close to Him–closer then i’ve ever felt. And so loved. I truly felt i understood his love in a new way–and i did. But now, i struggle with doubts and confusion as to why i was so sick and why my biggest fears came true most of the time. It’s hard for me to get past at this moment in time. But, i am trying and i want to fix what has been broken. I believe one day i will be healed from these “wounds”, with the support of my husband and by the Grace of God that i do still believe is upon me.

One day at a time, all i can say to the Lord is ….”God, i believe-but help my unbelief”.

And, until I’m done being “pregnant, and Pursey is in my arms—it’s a daily struggle but i know that it will be worth it in the end. That’s what everyone tells me. I just can’t wait to experience it for myself.

My 1st Pregnancy. 9 weeks.

Baby,

I am already so attached to you. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Daddy and I love you and are getting excited for when we actually will meet you so many months from now. We talk about what we will name you, and what we will make your nursery look like. I heard your heartbeat on the doppler at the Dr. this week, and that was great. Me-Maw¬† heard it too, and she cried with joy.

I started off this week with a trip to the Emergency Room. My Mom took me, since Jamey had to work. I had been taking my Promethizine, but still not holding anything down so i decided to go and get some fluids and hopefully some better anti-nausea medicine. I hadn’t really been feeling well enough to take my antibiotics regularly, and that is a concern. I went to the ER and recieved 2 bags of fluid and some Zofran through my IV. Praise the Lord that this week i relented to pay the hefty dollar price for this wonderful new anti-nausea medicine. It’s the generic of Zofran, called Odansetron. It’s costing us about $200 for around 6-7 days worth. But, I am able to eat and drink and not feel as sick–and for that i would pay almost any price at this point! The end of this week i had my 2nd OBGYN appointment where I heard the heartbeat for the first time. Mom went with me because Jamey had to work, she was so excited to hear the heartbeat she cried. I found out i had lost around 3lbs. I felt well enough to step foot inside a grocery store for the first time in several weeks on that same day. I also ate a yummy whole grain bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese from Panera. I got a lot of fresh air and felt my spirits lift a lot. This weekend i went out to Trader Joe’s with Jamey, and we even made pasta salad together. I felt great on Valentines day, and Jamey got me the sweetest card. I’m so thankful for him being such a great nurse this past month when i was at my worst.

My 1st Pregnancy. 8 weeks.

Baby,

This week has been tough. I’m still really sick and have now been bedridden for about 3 weeks. I miss my friends, and I really miss being able to do my “normal” daily tasks. I even miss being able to clean the house, and cook, and grocery shop! Being this sick has been a real struggle for me. I think I might be losing weight. But, I’m starting to really love you and realize that you really are real!

This week was rough. I was getting to the end of my rope with feeling so sick 24 hours a day. I have probably lost a little weight, and by the end of this week–friday to be exact–i woke up and couldn’t empty my bladder even though it felt so full. All morning i had problems and i finally called the OBGYN office. They told me i probably had a UTI and to come in right away. They tested my urine and confirmed i had a bladder infection. I now have to try to swallow some antibiotics 2x a day on top of trying to swallow anything at all….I am still so sick. The doctor debated about sending me to the ER for some fluids. But i made it through this week without more intervention.

My 1st Pregnancy. 7 weeks.

Baby,

This week i was so sick with you! But, the highlight was getting to the radiologist to see your little heart beating on the monitor screen. You are still thriving inside me! Your daddy and i thought seeing your heartbeat was so cool!

This week i was still so sick. I couldn’t eat much at all. I am taking Promethizine suppositories but they don’t make me feel well at all. I am totally drugged up on them, and usually just fall asleep for a few hours. This prevents me from drinking when i really should be. I feel horrible and pretty much want to die. I feel like i am dying. I got slightly depressed since i haven’t been outside or even out of the bedroom and bathroom now for 2 weeks….I’ve been living on cheese crackers, iced tea, ice chips, peppermint gum, and pretzels. I usually can’t keep any of it down for long. The highlight of this week was that we got our 1st “real” ultrasound. We saw the babys heart beating! Unfortunately, the radiologist told me i may have a bicornuate uterus–which means a heart shape. This apparently puts me at a risk for miscarraige, and pre-term labor. Not what i was needing to hear to ease any worry. One more thing to worry about! I just keep praying for peace because i know God is in control—He knew what He was doing when He allowed me to get pregnant. Also, this week we called Jamey’s famiy and told our friends. We can’t keep up the excuses till we are through the 1st trimester after all….I’m too sick, and it’s getting suspicious!

My 1st Pregnancy. 6 weeks.

Baby,

You are sucking the life outta me this week. Whew. I was feeling completely miserable. I can’t believe something so small could change my body this dramatically!

This week was when my misery began. I had severe nausea and vomiting this entire week. I stayed in bed and had to call the OB to get anti-nausea medicine so i could keep down some liquid and not get dehydrated. I believe i got dehydrated anyway, and that is why i was so much sicker all the time. Getting this sick was my biggest fear about pregnancy and now it has happened. I felt devestated by this, and very afraid of how long this might last. Jamey has been great, taking care of me 100%. I can barely talk i feel so sick. He cleans up my puke and gets me drinks and ice chips. He’s amazing to me. I wouldn’t be able to get through this without his help.

My 1st Pregnancy. 5 weeks.

Baby,

This week I was already set up to see the OBGYN about you in another week or so. I started feeling queasy off and on, mainly in the morning. I can’t really believe you are inside of me!

This week, I began feeling some morning sickness, but it was mainly in the morning. I am convinced it is from primarily anxiety over this pregnancy. This is a huge deal, a new journey i’m embarking on–and i’m fearful. I am praying God will help me trust Him and release my fears. By the time the weekend rolled around this week and i was almost 6 weeks pregnant, i was severely ill with nausea and vomiting. No fun.